Daddy’s Little Girl

Today, I walked out of my community college here in Colorado with my cap and gown in hand. I was happy. I was excited. While walking out to my car,  the girl in front of me was making a phone call. A few seconds later, I hear her say, “Hi dad, guess what?! I got  100% on my test…”

My heart sunk.

I got to my car and broke down.

My father passed away from pneumonia in January of 2009. I still to this day feel the guilt for going out and doing drugs rather than spending time with my dad. My addiction took over my life. I spent a lot of time leading up to his death doing cocaine and not being aware nor involved with family much. Looking back, I would give anything to take this back. I hardly remember this time in my life. I was in such a fog.

I would give anything to be able to call my father, talk to him, hug him, or even have him yell at me. I know that I have to move forward and realize just how proud of me he would be. Proud for overcoming my addiction and growing into a strong and capable woman.

Living my life as if he were watching is important to me. It’s as if I am trying to show him just how sorry I am for not spending more time with him. How sorry I am for becoming addicted to such a terrible drug that literally sucked the life right out of me. (I went from 155lbs junior year of high school at age 16 to 98lbs at age 19 when I was arrested 8 months after his death.) My dad taught me to be better and somehow I allowed this drug to take over me.

While I can’t have this time back with him, I can recognize that I worked through my mistakes and addictions. I still am learning to live this life knowing he loved me and that in his eyes, I’ll always be daddy’s little girl.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Laurie Quinn says:

    Oh Rachel, your dad loved you so much and that love transcends any mistakes you may have made. He would be beaming with pride right now! Your changed life honors his memory. You go girl!!!

    Like

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