Today, I walked out of my community college here in Colorado with my cap and gown in hand. I was happy. I was excited. While walking out to my car, the girl in front of me was making a phone call. A few seconds later, I hear her say, “Hi dad, guess what?! I got 100% on my test…”
My heart sunk.
I got to my car and broke down.
My father passed away from pneumonia in January of 2009. I still to this day feel the guilt for going out and doing drugs rather than spending time with my dad. My addiction took over my life. I spent a lot of time leading up to his death doing cocaine and not being aware nor involved with family much. Looking back, I would give anything to take this back. I hardly remember this time in my life. I was in such a fog.
I would give anything to be able to call my father, talk to him, hug him, or even have him yell at me. I know that I have to move forward and realize just how proud of me he would be. Proud for overcoming my addiction and growing into a strong and capable woman.
Living my life as if he were watching is important to me. It’s as if I am trying to show him just how sorry I am for not spending more time with him. How sorry I am for becoming addicted to such a terrible drug that literally sucked the life right out of me. (I went from 155lbs junior year of high school at age 16 to 98lbs at age 19 when I was arrested 8 months after his death.) My dad taught me to be better and somehow I allowed this drug to take over me.
While I can’t have this time back with him, I can recognize that I worked through my mistakes and addictions. I still am learning to live this life knowing he loved me and that in his eyes, I’ll always be daddy’s little girl.